into thin air
by maevestrom
Summary: Felicia can't stop looking for Flora


Sometimes I look for you.

I know it's weird, trust me, I know. A lot of what I do is weird, just… weird Felicia doing Felicia things. But here's the thing, okay, I _know _I'm a joke, and there's nothing funny about this. This doesn't make me laugh or, like, make me feel like I'm just being weird funny Felicia. This just makes me cry and hate life, but, like, I can't stop.

I just… can't accept it. No one sees it, because I don't show anyone, but I still cry for you. You're my twin. You're a part of me, and you always will be, only now I can't see it. I can't hold you, or hug you, or listen to your voice comfort me when Felicia makes another stupid clumsy mistake that Flora would never make or even the bad parts where you're angry or stony or you felt the need to _burn to death right in the middle of our village which I can't even visit without feeling such bitter loss that makes me feel like my heart will fall out and I'll just cry for the rest of my life, and I just gotta keep it together and not show how much I miss you._

You died falling to ashes. There's nothing left of you. That's the worst part. It was like you gave herself to the night, and I just want the night to give you back. That's all I want. I just want you back.

I think eventually, I, like, functioned. I mean, everything was falling apart, I kind of _had _to. I had to at least pretend I knew what I was doing and that I wasn't grieving, even though I bet everyone knew. I mean, it's no big leap in logic. Corrin checked on me a few times, cause I guess they were kinda mourning a little too, but I didn't say anything. I figured that they'd kind of just get it if I cried, but I didn't say everything I was feeling because I was just _done _with being a basket case. It was like life was just preparing me for the day I cracked, sort of like daring me to. Life's a giant bully sometimes and it has every way you can think of to just be awful to me. Just like it was awful to you.

But I can't break. Cause you broke, and I can't do that.

Living at all is at least… to me, something I'm doing right.

And I guess that's what I wish I had told you. I miss daddy. I miss so much of the village. I understand why you fought for them. We all did. I wish you had seen that, that your decisions didn't deserve what you did to yourself. But it was more than that, wasn't it, Flora? I could kind of see a sadness in your eyes, and every time a room froze over and I didn't do it, it's like that demon just burst from your chest. I'm so stupid. I should have seen this coming. I should have told you how talented you are, how strong you are even if daggers and fighting aren't really your things, how put together you were, and I know you weren't put together, but… you tried so hard to look that way. And I know that even if things got so bad that the ice tribe was just you and me, you would have been a great leader.

I… keep talking about you in the present tense.

I guess cause you haven't died in my heart. And you never will.

I keep looking for you because of that. It's probably denial, but… I can't forget that sight. Your ashes blowing in the wind and out of sight. And though I try my best at everything, I think I've just gotten worse at being a person. My friendships aren't as strong as they used to be. People are afraid to approach me, and I know something in me must have changed to, like, put them off. I'm not as much of an idiot as I used to be, and I know I gotta put everything into staying strong, because sometimes… I feel stupid for saying it, but if the world had to choose between me and you… you should have stayed.

I'm just so _mad _because we never had to have a choice like that. And trying not to slip away like you did is, like, sucking all the humanity out of me. And everyone knows it, and that's why they have such a hard time getting to me because if I tell them how I feel, I can't be who I want to be.

I'm just so sick of everyone I love disappearing in the wind.

I just want the wind to bring you back to me.

That's all I want, Flora. That's why I keep looking for you. Even though I shouldn't do that to myself. I gotta be the strong one now, even though you became my weakness. And I'm so mad at you for that. Please just make it... like, _not a thing. _Please just make it better.

You're my sister. I thought sisters were supposed to do that.

Please just come home to my heart.


End file.
